Asking

Had a hard hard night. Up every hour at least. 

Paul left me a crying mess this morning. 

Ushering him out the door with assurances I wasn’t sure were true.

Got vomited on. It was in my hair and down my back. 

Cried again. 

But then I took a shower. I took some good advice and put a restless Pigment in the rock n play next to the shower and regained some sanity and clean hair. 
Put the baby in the sling and tidied. Made a cup of coffee I forgot to drink. Felt better still.
But the loneliness. No one talks about how unbelievably lonely this is. Maybe it’s not this way for everyone but it seems insane to me that there could be houses upon houses of lonely people who are all lonely together; but still alone. 
So I sent a text. Then another. I reached out and took the risk I’ve been avoiding. Up until now I’ve been desperate on the inside but oh so cool and collected on the outside. “Wanna hang out?” I ask. Totally nonchalant. No big deal. All the while my soul is screaming. 
Today I said it. I’m so lonely. And no fewer than the number I confessed this unspoken truth to heard my soul and reached back. It’s going to be okay; but we have to ask for the help we need. 

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